Paper 2 section B : The Forest
The Forest
On the twilight of October 31st, some might call it the most blood-curdling time of year, I began a lonely stride through a mysterious forest. The sun went down faster than normal that night, which I didn't question then. Just as an unnatural sense of fright overcame my body I became fearful. Goosebumps came to brew all over my frame, as did every single hair on my body stand up in fear, and every bone inside me began to chatter. I can not erase the freakish relapses of the experiences that night in the forest
Amongst the monstrous and towering trees stood nothing but me in the leggy swaying grass, the grass was brushing against my gruff ripped jeans. However, there was not one gust of wind that night, the air was humid and dewy, but no life of breathing air covered it. The loneliness swept across me as I hastily walked through the obstacle of trees against the blinding, ghostly graveyard fog. The thick humid air restricted my eyesight to within a couple feet just as my ears picked up on unknown supernatural songs, it was the sound of leaves rustling and crackling as if someone was following me. The blackness of the night grew as did my sixth sense of mystery. I could not pinpoint where or what these unfamiliar and strange sounds were coming from, so I began to head north to get out of the mist of it all.
Dew from the leaves of the forever growing trees quickly dripped down like tears from fear as the lingering rain hesitantly waited to pour from overhead. The grass abruptly stopped moving in terror of being seen. I stood vulnerable to everything, paused and unmoving waiting for something to happen. The sky was pitch black, it looked like a freshly paved blacktop, then in the corner of my right eye I saw the same shade of black but it was a curious and oddly shaped shadow. No movements were shared, I could not even bother to turn my head. My body was frozen still as if a witch cast a spell on me, I could not move. Fear pumped all through my body. Then I was suddenly released from my hex and was able to cast an Olympic gold-winning sprint.
Over the course of my sprint, I was introduced to hyperactive senses. Along with the obnoxiously loud crushing of leaves brought by my heavy stomping, I heard a variety of owls piercingly screaming, bats fluttering their eldritch wings along with their high-pitched clicks made from their tiny and rocky cave of a mouth. My eyes picked up on a sinister presence, I could not fully consciously see it but I knew that it was there. Above me, I could see that flocks of owls and bats were flying in the same direction as I was fleeing off to. To my left and right there were rabbits of dark brown running in perfect unity as red foxes and perfectly coated coyotes. A sharp chill went down my spine as I subconsciously knew that a greater supernatural darkness was eating up the forest. It happened in the blink of an eye. Unity of fear grew as the fog grew higher and the humid air became sticky, trying to withhold the actions of escape.
Then, out of nowhere, was a shining light. I knew that that was my way out. I started to ignore those ghostly shadows and the mysterious fog became less as the light became brighter. My body lunged out of that forest to the street lights of laughter and cheer as children indulged in their pillowcases full of candy of all colors. The strange and frighting feeling of terror was flushed out of my system. There in the forest stood an otherworldly feeling of abnormalness, nothing but the unknown.
Hi Charli!
ReplyDeleteOverall I really enjoyed reading your blog. You started by addressing the prompt and you ended with it. This meant you stayed on topic very well. By describing how you felt in the first person, you were able to connect to the audience. An example of this would be you stating “Goosebumps can brew all over my frame”. This allows the reader to feel the same creepy presence that you feel. Your descriptions allowed me, as the reader, to feel connected to your writing.
As I previously stated, I also believe that you achieved the task. You wrote in the first person, you wrote descriptively, and you created a sense of mystery and atmosphere. The only advice I would give you is to use more buzz words when describing the atmosphere. You can directly use the word “atmosphere”, or you can use other words like “environment” or “aura”.
You additionally organized your ideas into paragraphs, which is very beneficial to the reader. An example of this would be your idea transition between paragraphs one and two. In paragraph one you give a background of the night, “some might call it the most blood-curdling time of year”. In paragraph two you then switch to describing your surroundings, “the air was humid and dewy”.
You did have some occasional errors, but this did not impede on your communication. I believe your biggest error was your sentence structure. You use many run-on sentences, but they aren’t paired with any brief sentences. This affected the form and structure of your paper. An example of this would be your sentence, “To my left and right there were rabbits of dark brown running in perfect unity as red foxes and perfectly coated coyotes.” It would have been beneficial if you paired this with the brief sentence “A sharp chill went down my spine.” Instead you paired it with another run-on sentence.
Finally, your expression is clear, as you use many descriptive words. This includes your usage of words like “thick humid air” and “sharp chill”. Your descriptions made the eerie environment very clear to the reader, which allowed you to stay clearly on topic. I feel in this year you just had a bit of repetition. An example of this would be you repeating the word “as” a few times in your first two paragraphs,
Score: 12/25
Hi Charli,
ReplyDeleteI liked your blog a lot, you had a good linearly written narrative which followed the prompt to a T
You had clear expression with a range of language, including complex some complex structures and less common lexis, although there may be some repetition. I could first see this when you wrote "...the air was humid and dewy...The thick humid air" This repetition although uncommon in your writing did occur more than once which is why I have to give you a level three for this region of criterea.
I found only a few instances of errors with grammar or meaning. With an abundance of run-on sentences, it seemed like you couldn't organize your story-specific thoughts at times.
The text is logically organized; ideas are developed in an effective manner. It is simple and linearly written and doesn't falter at all(on prompt).
The task is achieved well; content is relevant. This is consistent throughout your writing with your descriptions that you give about the environment, maybe use different types of descriptions like personification and metaphors next time for more points in this section.
Score: 16/25